Transitions
I am at point in my life where I am floating in the "in between". Not really sure where exactly this place is. It's like i'm on a blob of grayness and I am slowly trying to dig myself out. Not really all bad, just full of intense emotions.
It's the summer after senior year and most of my batchmates are just waiting for graduation day. Unfortunately, I will not be able to march beside them. I am yet to complete one more general education subject (it's a long story, will probably write about it in the future) before I get my diploma. The month after that, I would enter medical school. Finishing college and entering med school happening at the same time but not exactly on either side, because it's somewhere in the middle, in the process.
I was mad that I had to undergo this transition. Of all people, why me? I was depressed and beyond angry. I thought to myself, this is not where I am supposed to be. This phase or place or whatever is only for the lost. This place is for the unsure. And, I did believe that during the moment. Every night I cried and asked God why he put me through this. I did not get any answer. As the days passed, I felt empty and lifeless. Although I was not really alone. I have very supportive family and friends, but this sadness I'm feeling comes from within. It's that bitter disappointment you get after losing by your own mistakes.
When all the emptiness passed, all the anger washed away, I was back to questioning. I was trying to think of how and why again. This moping and depression has got to stop. I stopped being angry at myself. I talked to Him more often and little by little, I felt better. I felt that the pieces of me were coming together. I still did not get an answer to all my questions, but maybe I will. I did not fully understand what this all means. And maybe I still don't. But I am certain that this is all for a reason. God is trying to teach or tell me something, and I am now welcoming it with both arms. This period in my life may be a blessing in disguise. It may be a wake-up call saying that I should do more. I am currently fixing my room - just threw a pile of college papers and notes. I am going to do some jogging tomorrow to start being fit. Tomorrow is also the first day of my summer class. Preparations, preparations. More preparations before actually reaching the other side. More preparations before knowing the reasons why.
When all the emptiness passed, all the anger washed away, I was back to questioning. I was trying to think of how and why again. This moping and depression has got to stop. I stopped being angry at myself. I talked to Him more often and little by little, I felt better. I felt that the pieces of me were coming together. I still did not get an answer to all my questions, but maybe I will. I did not fully understand what this all means. And maybe I still don't. But I am certain that this is all for a reason. God is trying to teach or tell me something, and I am now welcoming it with both arms. This period in my life may be a blessing in disguise. It may be a wake-up call saying that I should do more. I am currently fixing my room - just threw a pile of college papers and notes. I am going to do some jogging tomorrow to start being fit. Tomorrow is also the first day of my summer class. Preparations, preparations. More preparations before actually reaching the other side. More preparations before knowing the reasons why.
And when I do reach the other side, and when I do know why, I will be ready.
